Help

DreTube (dretube.nl)

Congratulations. You clicked “Help” on a website with exactly two features. That takes a special kind of commitment, and we’re a little impressed. Not much, but a little.

Let’s get you through this.

How do I watch a video?

1. Find a video.
2. Click on it.
3. Press play.

That’s it. That’s the whole feature. There is no step 4. If you’re still stuck, try clicking harder. If you’re on a touchscreen, try clicking with your finger instead of just staring at it with your mouth open.

How do I rate a video?

There are two buttons. One points up. One points down. Up means you liked it. Down means you didn’t.

We considered adding a third option for “I don’t know how I feel”, but we figured you’d just use that for everything.

Where do I create an account?

You don’t. There are no accounts, no logins, no passwords, no “forgot password” emails. Nothing to forget, so even you can’t mess this one up.

I rated a video and now I can’t change it / rate it again.

Correct. One vote per video. We use a cookie to remember what you did, so your 47 repeated clicks of the thumbs-up button were noted, and mocked, and counted exactly once. This is a democracy, not a slot machine.

The video isn’t playing!

Run through this checklist, in order, and be honest with yourself:

• Is your internet connected? Check the little Wi-Fi symbol. Yes, that one.
• Did you accept the cookie banner? Some videos are embedded from YouTube and won’t load until you do. Yes, the banner you angrily swiped away without reading. We see you.
• Did you try refreshing the page? Press F5, or the circle with the arrow on it.
• Is your browser from 2009? Update it, or please go outside instead.
• Is the video just bad? Rate it down. That’s literally what the button is for.

If none of that worked, the problem is probably us. In which case, see below.

Why are there cookies?

To remember your votes and to gather statistics, so we know which videos are popular and which ones nobody wants to watch (looking at you). The full, boring details are in the [Privacy Policy]. You read that one, right? Of course you didn’t. Nobody does. And yet here you are, reading the Help page. Priorities.

Can I upload my own videos?

No. Not right now, not ever, not even if your cat does something really funny. There’s no upload button and no amount of looking for it will make one appear.

Can I leave a comment?

No. We know, that’s a rough one in this day and age. Consider it a public service. The internet has enough strangers in the comments yelling about things they don’t understand.

I have a problem that isn’t listed here.

First, impressive, because we listed almost everything.

If something is truly broken (and you have double-checked it isn’t just you), use the [contact form]. Tell us:

• what you were trying to do,
• what happened instead,
• which video it was (just the title is fine, we aren’t picky).

We’ll reply when we reply. Please don’t write in ALL CAPS. It doesn’t make us fix things faster. It just makes us read it in a worse mood.

I have a legal / privacy / copyright question.

Those aren’t funny, so we keep them out of this page. Please see the [Privacy Policy] and the [Terms of Use], or mail usteepia@gmail.com.

Still confused?

Then here’s your final step-by-step guide:

1. Close this page.
2. Click on a video.
3. Press play.
4. Click a thumb.

Congratulations, you’ve used the entire website. Go get yourself a snack, you’ve earned it.

DreTube. Watch. Rate. Try not to hurt yourself.

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A few notes

• Placeholders: Replace the [bracketed] items with links to your own pages.
• Cookie banner: The “videos won’t load until you accept” line assumes that’s how it works on your site, as in the privacy policy. Adjust if not.
• Tone: If it’s too tame for your audience, I can crank up the rudeness, or tone it down if you want to keep some distance between you and the “customer service” version of yourself.
• Format: I can also give you this as a ready-to-use HTML page matching a style of your choice, or a Dutch version.